Sexual orientation and gender identity

Sexual Orientation

Sexual orientation is defined as a person’s romantic, sexual, or attraction towards those of the same sex (homosexuality), the opposite sex (heterosexuality), or somewhere in between (bisexuality, pansexuality, asexuality, and many more), regardless of their sexual behaviours.

Gender Identity

Sexual identity is the intimate and personal experience in which a person considers themselves to be a woman, a man, or a combination of both. It is a way of identifying themselves, whether or not that corresponds to the biological sex registered for them at birth. 

A common misconception is that a person’s biological sex at birth is either male or female, yet nuances do exist. Some people are intersex, meaning they are born with different sex organs.

Gender identity may or may not align with a person’s gender expression, which refers to the ways someone is feminine, masculine, or both at once. It is important to understand that gender refers to societal criteria that dictates what is considered masculine or feminine. A person can express their gender through appearance, clothing, behaviours, activities, or the name they go by, for instance.

Helpful Attitudes from Parents

It isn’t always easy for parents to remain open-minded and accepting during a distressing situation. A parent might feel conflicted between letting their child express their true self and trying to protect them from the judgment of others.

This adaptation can take a long time and be riddled with obstacles, even for parents who feel they have accepted their child as they are. They can feel social pressure, concern about doing what’s right for their child, stress at the thought of their child being unhappy, as well as helplessness and solitude.

The support of parents is crucial to a child’s wellbeing. That said, it is helpful to consider the expectations and stereotypes we convey. For the sake of our children, it is a good idea to demonstrate favourable attitudes towards gender equality and to offer a variety of possibilities when it comes to gender expression.

It is important for parents to:

• Consider their own values and attitudes towards gender. For example, would I agree to call my child by a name other than the one I chose for them? Would I agree to paint my son’s nails? What would I tell my daughter who always wants to wear her brother’s clothing? How would I react if my son introduced me to his boyfriend?

• Create an environment of openness right from childhood. Although a parent might not consider themselves homophobic, they might unwillingly make heterosexist comments. Heterosexism is when we assume that someone is heterosexual. Without harmful intent, a parent might ask their daughter, “do you have a boyfriend at school?”, or ask their son, “are you starting to become interested in girls?”. Our choice of words can send our child the message that they do not meet our expectations or fit into the mold. An LGBTQ+ child could interpret this as a rejection of their identity, which could make it all the more difficult for them to come out. Instead, focus on a more inclusive vocabulary: “are you in love?”, “is there someone special in your life?”.

• Listen to, love, and support your child. Lastly, although it may sometimes be surprising or unnerving for a parent when an LGBTQ+ teenager comes out, it is important to believe them, and not to doubt them. Tell them you love them while being welcoming and attentive.

• It is possible that your teenager might not yet have a clear idea of their sexual orientation. In this case, it could be beneficial to allow them to freely live through this period of questioning and ambiguity. Talking to their friends and family might help them define themselves more clearly and strengthen their sexual identity.

• Respect your child’s rhythm. Coming out, or announcing one’s sexual orientation, sexual identity, or gender expression, is a deeply personal process.

It is their right to decide when, and to whom, they wish to announce it. It is essential not to rush your teenager if they are not ready to take that step. For instance, even if you think you know your teenager’s sexual orientation, it can be traumatizing for them to be confronted or pressured. Instead, send the message that you are open to a dialogue, and let them come to you when they are ready.

• Make an effort to remain tolerant and accepting, both towards your child’s identity and the judgment of others.

• If needed, seek support from specialists such as psychologists, sexologists, child psychiatrists, or community resources for parents in similar situations (Gender Creative Kids, LGBT+ Family Coalition). They can provide help if you need it.