Parents of teens: your most frequent questions
If there's one thing that unites parents of teenagers around the world, it's the endless stream of questions – from morning to night, and sometimes even through the night. What is she doing locked up in her room? Why is he always on his phone? What does he find so interesting about that friend I don't really like Does this sound familiar?
To remember
👉 As a parent of a teenager, do you often wonder how to best support them? The key: listening, support, and acceptance of their experiences.
👉 Faced with their teen's confusing behaviors, parents must remember that they are going through a phase of changes and that their advice matters.
👉 There's no need to feel guilty: the teenager is experimenting with life, and the parent accompanies them with kindness and active listening.
At Tel-jeunes Parents, we receive these kinds of questions several times a day, every day. By phone or chat, before leaving for school or once the rest of the family is asleep, parents contact us to discuss their teenager – this person they thought they knew so well just a few years, or even a few months, ago.
While these questions may stem from a certain misunderstanding of what the teen is experiencing, they also prove the parent's willingness to act for their child's well-being. The goal, therefore, is to maintain this mindset, but to accept that their teen wants to test different things on their own, to discover their own limits. This is an integral part of their development and must be respected.
For the Tel-jeunes team, parents who contact them would benefit from focusing on their role: to support, accompany, and encourage, but also to guide and equip the young person so that they become a full-fledged individual, endowed with critical thinking and values – and not a copy of their parent. It's also about maintaining the bond with their child, no matter what: by keeping dialogue open, by being available and attentive, and by not invalidating what the teen is currently experiencing.
While every teen, every parent, and every context is obviously unique, it remains true that some questions are similar: we have grouped them into broad categories for you, hoping this will reassure you about your own concerns!
The "How" Category, or the Quest for Perfect Parenting
Among the most frequently asked questions to the Tel-jeunes Parents intervention team are all those beginning with "How," such as:
How do I find the words to address a sensitive or difficult topic with my teen?
How can I adequately support them through what they are going through?
How can I convince them to confide in me?
By knowing where to find you and by not being afraid to express what they feel, your teen will be more likely to turn to you if needed – even if that need arises several months from now. Don't force things, but don't give up. And above all, allow yourself to make mistakes!
The "Why" Category, or Perpetual Astonishment
Why does my teen spend their life in their room?
Why don't they want to do activities with me anymore?
Why did she steal a sweater when I buy her everything she wants?
Why are they no longer studying at school?
The list could be very long, as teens excel at doing things that are incomprehensible to their parents. The common thread in questions from this category lies in the irony of the answer: if your teen acts this way, it's because they are a teen. Faced with this incredibly simple reality, you might feel helpless, as if your well-intentioned advice goes in one ear and out the other.
This is highly understandable, but know that it doesn't mean your child no longer needs you, or that your presence no longer matters; as mentioned above: they are simply a teen.
Alright. Now that the stage is set, it's not the time to be defeatist. Try a little introspection, remember the teenager you were: how would you have liked to be spoken to, warned, advised, guided?
To understand why your teen acts in a certain way, it's also essential to understand the stages of their development. Adolescence is a transitional period where everything changes, and one builds oneself in real-time, without a safety net or an instruction manual. Mistakes are inevitably part of the process, as they are what allow one to grow, draw lessons, and learn.
Here again, it's about remembering the role parents play in this identity construction (equipping, framing, guiding) and, above all, maintaining the bond with their child, come what may. Forbidding your teen from doing something won't stop them from doing it, but you can decide on the stance you wish to take and the communication strategy to adopt to strengthen this bond, instead of eroding it.
The "What" Category, or Undisguised Guilt
At Tel-jeunes Parents, we note that many people question their responsibility for what their young person is going through:
What did I do for them to talk to me like that?
What did I miss in their upbringing for her to take that nude photo of herself?
What did I say that I shouldn't have?
Read this sentence aloud: the time has come to put that good old guilt aside. It's nothing personal. Once again: your teen is simply a teen. Who isn't thinking of you when experiencing their firsts, but is living their life, experimenting, and discovering.
As a parent, you will always have the right to set rules and boundaries that are important to you, and your teen will always be able to react to them. But one thing is certain: they need to be heard, because what they are going through is the only thing that currently matters. It is therefore important to put aside your rational adult brain and welcome their teenage brain with kindness and openness.
