Adolescent-to-Parent Violence
Are you a victim of violence from your young person? It's completely normal to feel caught in a cycle from which you don't know how to escape. First and foremost, know that violence is in no way acceptable, and that solutions exist.
To remember
👉 No physical or verbal violence is tolerable.
👉 It is crucial to set clear limits and show the teenager that this behavior is not acceptable.
👉 You are not alone. Resources exist, do not hesitate to ask for help.
Adolescent-to-parent abuse remains a phenomenon that we don’t hear people talk about often. Unfortunately, many parents are the victims of physical violence from their teens. There isn’t a typical profile of a parent, they can be male or female, single or in a relationship. Any parent can be a victim of adolescent-to-parent violence.
Violence is Always Unacceptable
As much as a parent loves their child, all physical and verbal violence from them is unacceptable.
It often starts with violent words, and at that stage parents often tell themselves that it will probably stop one day, and that the situation will not get worse. But that isn’t always the case. Constant verbal violence can increase in intensity until it becomes physical. At that point, the teen has already taken control from their parents.
Now more than ever, children who are behaving violently need to know, through their parent’s actions, that violence is not, and will never be, acceptable.
💡Parents who do not tolerate their teen’s physical violence will help prevent them from being violent to others in society. Parents saying NO to violence is important and formative, so that the teen no longer feels the need to push physical boundaries.
What to do if my teenager is violent towards me or the other parent?
Saying NO to this violence will come through your stance and your actions:
Try to regain control of the situation by stating that this violence has no place. Be concise: when the teenager is violent, there's no point in trying to reason with them.
Don't isolate yourself: see who can support you – during crisis moments but also outside of them – so you don't remain alone in this situation.
Withdrawing and going to another place to ensure your protection is also a way to regain control.
💡 If the situation has been ongoing for a long time, if verbal violence is constantly increasing, and your interventions seem to have no effect, take this seriously. By calling 811 option 2 (CLSC social info), you can get emergency help from social intervention professionals.
Finally, we remind you that, even if it seems difficult, you can call 911 or the police if your young person threatens or actually hits you – or another person, or objects. If your teenager is under 18, the DPJ (Youth Protection Directorate) can also be a resource in this type of situation.
💡 If the young person is an adult, you can tell them that by choosing violence, they will have to go live elsewhere.
In this latter case, you will need to ensure a safety net is in place before proceeding.
For example, informing the police, having another adult with you when they proceed, changing the locks, having contact information for youth shelters, etc.
Managing your emotions as a parent
Parents who contact us about situations of violence towards them often feel helplessness, shame, and guilt. They regret not having set limits for their child earlier, not having done this, or that, or on the contrary, having done too much.
💡 But you can't know that your child will become violent. As a parent, you do everything you can to take good care of them: don't feel guilty about their behavior, you didn't choose it.
When our young person becomes violent, guilt can lead us down a slippery slope: in fear of a potential outburst, we might become more permissive, or start walking on eggshells, which generates a lot of stress. It's normal to want to prevent your child from experiencing emotions like sadness, anger, or disappointment.
💡 But don't forget that it's by experiencing these emotions that we learn to manage them: this is also the case for your teenager.
It's truly not easy to take action when we want to say no to our young person's violence. It takes a lot of courage, not only to confront your child but also because this situation brings about many contradictory emotions. You love them, but you no longer want to accept the unacceptable. Contact us: we are here to support you.
